Obsession

This is mostly an extension of my last post, but this tends to happen a lot. The reason I'm writing it is because it's happening again, and it's always oddly really strong, so I thought I'd explain it a little bit.

Usually after I get a new best friend or make a really strong role model, I start obsessing about them. And this isn't a mild obsession, this is like the stalker-creepy obsession, only with the exception of making it public-well, until now. I start connecting everything that I've ever known with that person-foods and smells that make me think of them, events that remind me of them, there are even clothes or behaviors that start reminding me of that person.

To try and save myself from the image of a creepy stalker (which I am not), let me just say that I have no idea why I do this. It's not as if it's a conscious decision, but rather something that my subconscious compels me to do, like it's something that is a drive inside me to satiate the emptiness I start feeling when I'm around them.

Okay, well that didn't turn out as well as I had planned. Now instead of sounding stalker-creepy, I sound like I'm possessed or have a mental disorder. Well people, I promise I have nothing of the sort. I have all my metal facilities, and the last time I checked, I'm not being controlled-I'm completely normal...mostly.

"Click"

Do you ever have those times when you meet someone, and you just happen to "click", so to speak? Good, I thought you did. Well, today my story is about a really unusual and unexpected "click".

So basically I go to visit the high school over the Thanksgiving break to see my friends, and there is a new sophomore sitting with them. Naturally, I introduce myself, and the only thing I find out there was this kid's name, which I will refrain from exposing for anonymity. Anyway, then I went back to college for the final two and a half weeks of the semester before I returned. As I was sitting there, I saw said child's profile picture and made him my friend. Looking at his profile, I had a sudden impression. Marcus* is going to be a really good friend of mine. I thought. And for me, it was more than that, because I have this thing where there are certain people who simply "click" more than others...it's more than a friend relationship. Don't ask me to explain, because I can't. I've tried to do it before, and people end up thinking I'm really weird.

I digress. So back at the ranch/ meanwhile/ whatever you want to put there, I wrote on Marcus's* wall. I didn't want to be all stalker-like or creepy, so I left it up for him to reply, but basically I said that I was interested in visiting with him. He replied back and said he didn't have a problem with it. The next day, we ended up having an hour long chat session on Facebook about nothing in particular. I was feeling particularly giddy that day. My suspicions had been mostly confirmed, seeing as how Marcus* and I had almost the exact same views on everything. We both decided we had to meet again in person and talk, because I wanted to see if he acted the same way in real life, because often online and real life are completely different.

I go to the Lone Peak Big Band Dance and we meet again. Needless to say, we visit again-only face-to-face. This was very fulfilling. I asked him some of my "harder" questions...and he responded in a way that only certain people can. Let's just say that some of my questions are ones that would leave almost anyone saying, "And? Where's the question part?" but he didn't do this.

Anyway, to prevent further rambling, let's just leave it at this. I am very happy, and I think I've just made a new best friend. Also, Merry Christmas and all that crap.

* Name has been changed. Yeah, I know it's a retarded one, but it was the first one that popped into my head that wasn't actually the kid's name.

The 3 Descriptions

This post is actually one that is continued from my last post, "Descriptions and Diversity". I have been thinking about this for some time, and I have thought of the three words that describe me best. I have obviously come a long way since I have been in high school. The words that I have come up with are much more abstract than the things that most junior high students, maybe even high school students, would think of, hence, I will explain as I go. I would encourage anyone who reads this to write this in their blog, as it is a refreshing point of view to regain, but this is a suggestion, not a command. The words I would use to describe myself now are "combined", "disconnected", and "contradictory". Don't worry, I'll explain.

First of all, I am "combined". Although I tend to be a little leery of relationships at first, aka "shy", once I get to know someone, I can easily relate to a lot of different things. I like to consider myself open-minded, so I am able to sympathize and work with people very easily. I am not one who gets mad...at all, really. I am simply one who can take a little portion of everyone in the world and relate to it.

Second, "disconnected". This one is more difficult to describe. It makes perfect sense to me, but I assume that most others won't understand it. This has two aspects. First of all, I watch the world continuously from a distance. I find everyday events mundane and pointless, and I constantly feel like I am suffocating, needing something more to satiate me. While I still participate in the world's activities, the mood strikes me suddenly and I can't focus on anything but the need to fulfill myself. The second part of this is much harder to describe (as if the first part wasn't). I am...apathetic, for lack of a better word. I can watch the events going on around me and be completely unaffected, as if I can choose what will control my life and what won't...that's about the best you're going to get out of that one, sorry.

Obviously, as you can already tell, the last description is "conflicting". From the two points above, that is already evident. What things are more opposite that being able to see everyone's side and at the same time distance yourself from them? I tend to do this a lot. For example, I hate the winter...and I am well aware hate is a strong word-it fits. However, there are times (even in the middle of the summer) when I have winter pangs, feeling like there is a part of me that needs winter. This is only one example. The list could go on and on, but at this point, there isn't much more I can do to explain what I already have tried my best at. Therefore, you have now read my own evaluation of the way I am-in three words.

Description and Diversity

You all remember those times back in elementary school were you had a week where you had to make a poster about yourself, telling about your likes and dislikes, some pictures from your life, etc. You do? Good. Then you remember the part where you also had to describe yourself in three words. Back then, our minds were so limited, the best answers you got out of anyone would be "Smart, Funny," and something about that person's stuff, like "Has Cool Toys" or "Has Pretty Hair".

Then junior high ran around. Most people were so confused and trying to find themselves they didn't know what to write on the questionnaires the teachers handed out at the beginning of the year, so often the answers would be similarly juvenile. "Smart" often found a place in the mix, but there were slightly more mature answers, like "Dedicated" or "Neat-freak", but although more descriptive, they essentially meant the same thing-kids were still searching for themselves. Sometimes you would get a very...ambitious (for lack of a better word) person here and there who would write their supposed career or some other description, like "Future Doctor" or a quality needed for a certain job, like "Hardworking" or "Really Strong".

Once we reached high school, the papers handed out by the teacher usually disappeared, and no one had to worry about the "3 Descriptions" part. Oddly enough, the students ended up doing this to each other, and even worse, they ended up reverting almost back to the elementary school level, classifying everyone by their basest attributes, like "The Jocks", "The Preps", "The Brainiacs", "Band Geeks", etc.

Anyway, now I have been thinking about that here (at college) most people don't classify each other at all, just because everyone is so different it wouldn't really make any sense. I realize now that it didn't make any sense all along...well, except maybe in elementary school when you learned how to do this...but human nature took it too far. I think we need to realize diversity is not something to be afraid of-but loved. We are all so different, there's no need to criticize each other's faults when we have so much we can learn from each other.

Stay tuned next post for when Dressman posts his self-evaluating college version of "The 3 Descriptions"!...

Goal Setting

I'm a winner! Okay, now to explain. For those of you who haven't read my last post, last month I decided to do National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo.For those of you who want to see the official website, click on the hyperlink in my last post. This is a challenge to write (and submit to a website) fifty thousand words in a matter of thirty days. That just sounds like a big number, but once I got started, I had the feeling I would be able to make this amount of words, no problem. For the first couple of days I didn't write anything-I didn't need to. I already had a number of scenes from different dreams I had, random writings I had felt like doing, and other things that related to what I had planned my story to be. I found quickly that was not the way to go about things. That first Saturday of November was spent almost entirely at the computer, trying desperately to catch up to where I was supposed to be to stay on schedule. I found it incredibly difficult to try and manage typing at least 2,000 words per day when I had to worry about other things like schoolwork and the social life I try so desperately to retain (even though I had warned many people about the coming hermitage that I would be sticking myself into). Thanksgiving weekend was even more difficult, seeing as I spent most of my time visiting relatives that I hadn't seen in about a year. I was hopelessly behind by the last day of November (hey, can you blame me? If you loved your family as much as I did, you would be, too). But lo and behold, I was able to complete my 50,000 words by midnight on November 30, hence, I'm a winner!

There were so many people who, when I told them I had won (and these were the ones that knew about NaNo) the first thing they asked was, "What did you win?" When I shrugged and told them, "Nothing." They quickly became uninterested and walked away, telling me it wasn't worth anything if I didn't win something that was a tangible prize. Throughout the month, I had similar responses when people asked me what I was doing and I replied that I was writing a story. One of them wouldn't stop bugging me until I told him I had an inkling of a thought to publish it, which afterwards he said, "Good. It wouldn't be worth anything unless you did." Wrong. Completely wrong. I don't understand that mentality-people who only do things for a physical reward, or for that matter, people who do things for an external reward of any kind. Intrinsic motivation is where a person is motivated to do something of their own free will because they enjoy it. That is why I write. And NaNoWriMo has been one of the most motivating things for me as a writer, because now I know that I can accomplish things. I often get the best story idea ever, only to have it piddle away as I notice the flaws and contradictions that occur. Rarely have I ever gotten more than about three or four pages into the story before I lose interest. With NaNo, however, I have found that I can persevere and complete a goal that I may have, even if I get discouraged, which believe you me, I did a lot last month. I learned that I can do anything that I want to do if I keep myself focused on the goal, and not on the obstacles that inevitably surround them. That, to me, was the biggest thing I learned. That was the reason I did NaNoWriMo, and the reward I found in it was better than any certificate or amount of money could provide.

Oh, I almost forgot! There was one more thing I intended to do, and I almost skipped it. Now that I've finished my story (well, mostly), I would like people to comment on this post on whether they want me to post any portion of it on here or not. If I deem there are enough people/more than about three, then I will post portions of the story that I have written (but only the good parts, because trust me, when you're writing at two in the morning to catch up to a deadline, there are some things that just don't look good). And just EFY, I will give you the title, perhaps just to tantalize more people to post "yes". And if you already did, get as many people as you can to get on here and vote yes, too (just my shameless plug, because I really want to post this, but I'm asking for opinions, too). The title is "Spiders of Salem".

Deterrence

So let me just put it this way. Ever since my last post, I have been...deterred from writing more. I feel like everyone reading these (if there are any) wants to be the kid that always has these incredible insights about life with really descriptive and intelligent sounding words. I, on the other hand, do enjoy that, but I also like to show the different sides of myself, and that is definitely not the only side of me that I have. Anyway, that was what this post is halfway about. Also, I remembered the fourth category I wanted to post. As you've probably already figured out, it's Feelings.

Random Information of the Day: November is officially National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo for short. After years of pestering from one of my best friends, Megan Lloyd, I finally decided to do it. The challenge of Nano is that one has to write a story (aka a series of coherent words that relate to each other) of 50,000 words. The hard part about it?-it has to all be written in the month of November. Yeah, I found out really quickly that is a lot harder than it sounds. Anyway, I'm pretty much writing this to say that you probably won't get a lot out of me this month just because of that, but maybe, just maybe, if I have enough free time, you'll be privileged enough to read some of my story-I'll post it on here (trust me, it's not as good as you think). Until then, so long. I'm now off to go accompany a soloist in my ever-decreasing amount of free time.

Men's Bathrooms and Sugar Shots

I just returned from a trip that our neighborhood took to Moab. It was so much fun, our neighborhood is so close, it's like we're all just a huge family. One of my next door neighbors and I can always talk together about anything, so we were up most nights until around two in the morning, one night we didn't get to bed until four. I originally intended not to post this, as it reveals many things about me, probably a little more than I would normally feel comfortable with, but this is such an important thing, I have to have other people realize that things like this can and need to be expressed. This is a little long, but it's good and needs to be written.

Emotions are usually either very clear and on-the-sleeve or subtle and hidden. One thing, however, is usually similar of emotions, regardless of what type. They all pierce the deep to the soul. Some hit nearer to the nerves, such as anger or panic, and some push on the heart, like pride and patriotism, but all will touch the mind or the soul, often both. The one emotion I want to discuss is the emotion of missing someone or something.

This is a complicated emotion to deal with. For me, it's always most prominent after leaving a locations where wonderful memories have been or were recently made, or after departing with someone close and dear to me or someone with whom I can connect. There is never simply one word to describe the feeling that occurs. Loneliness is not the right word. I know that I may come back to a place, and if not, there are better places meant to come. I know that I will meet again with these certain people, whether in this life or the next. Loneliness is too broad a term. The feeling is like a hole when I leave, a hole I know is irrational to feel, but still occurs every time, regardless of how hard I try to resist. The only thing I can to is measure the length and width of the hole. Through this I know how much that place or person affected me. Though I write this, and most people understand what feeling I'm covering, I notice, as some other deeper people may, that there is something missing. There is some other portion to missing someone that is hard to explain. It is similar to obsession, but not quite the same thing. You notice things about the place or person next time you meet, the things that make your heart pang as the distance between you increases. I know that something has deeply hit me when I feel it in my heart. People say that the heart is just an organ, all the emotions are experienced in the mind. I agree with this-to a point. I do believe the mind controls most of the emotions, but if I miss someone truly and deeply, I literally feel it in my heart. It is as if the hole has pulled a piece of my heart with it, a piece that belongs to that person now. I feel a physical twist in my chest, not like butterflies, but exactly like a portion of my heart and soul has been permanently given to a person to hold.

This is not at all the direction I was intending to take, but this feeling is so complicated, I almost have to let my mind to the talking for me. Missing someone is partially a hole, partially obsession, and partially Christlike love. If I truly miss someone, it is someone I honestly love, someone I earnestly pray will make it to the next life, someone I want to live with forever. Family, neighbors, and close select friends. It's curious to find the array of people that can grab my heart like this. Sometimes I wonder if one of these people that so connect with me is more than just coincidence, but fate. Perhaps I am meant to come to these people, and they are meant to find me, for whatever reason. Perhaps they will play a vital role in my life, a friend, a future family member, a loyal and friendly soul. Perhaps that is why I miss these particular people so fully and completely.

Three Over, Four Down/"Run!"

I've decided to adapt Hallmark's motto to my blog: only the best. Now that we're off of that random tangent, you get to hear my rambling of the day. [ Inspired by "Heroes" ] By the way, I'm only almost done watching the first season, so don't think I'm completely up-to-date with the newest episode. My roomates had the first season. I started watching last Wednesday...and I'm shamelessly addicted. Anyway, without further ado...

Is it possible for someone to believe in something or to be morally twisted around so completely that they would totally abandon the life they had before or the values they used to embrace? Where we live (or at least, I and the vast majority of these readers live, I assume) here in Utah, it makes us seem invunerable. Most people here declare they will stick to their values and never forsake them, but is it true? Are there situations people are placed in where-try as they might-they would end up losing what they consider their truest virture? I argue yes. Every person, no matter how strong or seemingly invicible, has faults, and once someone finds out what "makes them tick", they have complete access to the controlboard of their mind. When someone is so convinced they are following something right, nothing can-or will-stand in their way. People can be hurt, relationships can be damaged, and innocent victims can even be killed. The person's entire life can become flip-flopped, and they are still convinced they are in the right. So many spew the typical "It won't happen to me!" argument, and it is almost cynically amusing how childishly they believe it. It won't happen to me, you say. Oh, really? Let's just lay your personal Hydra in front of you and see how you manage. People may hold up for some time, but as soon as you find their proverbial "Achilles heel", immediately they are as crippled and crumbled as the Colosseum. Their submission is abrupt and thorough. Think about it, as much as you wish not to. You do know a person this has or will happen to-everyone does. The only difference between these circumstances is how it happens and the intensity of this so called "disease". The only thing we as flawed individuals can do is hope-hope and pray that we are not chosen-chosen to be the next victim, the next sacrifice on the altar, the next slave to our "morals".

Dark of the Moon

Whenever I watch a really good play, one that gets me thinking, I always feel like writing. Now that I have a blog (by the way, I have a blog now!), I can post this out to the world for no other reason other than that I want to. Hooray! So I actually wrote this immediately after seeing this play "Dark of the Moon", yesterday, but I'm posting it now. Sidenote: If you want to know the plot of Dark of the Moon, it's basically a witch boy who turns into a human because he loves a human girl, you can probably find it on the internet if you want to know more. Anyway, here is my first blog post. Celebrate!!!

'I am human, but often consider myself deeper than such. Human nature dictates that all people have deeper feelings within them than they usually show to people, but the problem I've often noticed is that too many people are scared of revealing this. The undiscussed and "taboo" subjects are the ones that people are noticeably uncomfortable talking abou, but so many people don't realize the inexplicable sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that talking about these topics bring. God, love, sex, magic, the devil, eternity, problems, true feelings, these are the kind of things that people don't enjoy talking about. However, once someone gets past these feelings and bears their sould, it is impossible to describe. I have seen souls connect, not just minds, but souls. And fortunately for me, I have experienced this as well. Covering this subject is like describing the Spirit of God or telling people what salt tastes like-there are not words enough to describe those feelings. I suppose my plea to you here is simply to open yourself up more. Do not, by any means, take this the wrong way. This doesn't mean to go and tell someone about all you problems or immediately pour you soul out to just anyone. Find someone you consider a very close friend and start talking about something you are a little bit awkward towards, something out of your comfort zone, say, the afterlife. You'll notice the feeling it brings after you get over how unusual it is, and hopefully you will spread this unknown news to as many people as you can.'