Apologies

I drafted this post back in February, but for whatever reason didn't feel like it was the right time to post it. I think it is now. I understand that it's not the most lighthearted of posts - but life doesn't always deal you the most lighthearted of times.

This post has a lot of apologies to a lot of different people, but the one thing I won't apologize for in this post is creating it. It's an honest expression of feelings, and I think every once in a while, those need to be shared - if only to get them out there. So thanks for listening - and don't worry, the next post should probably be a little more lighthearted.

• I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend to you that time you were crying in the hall.

• I'm sorry I haven't written you as much as I should.
• I'm sorry I wasn't as supportive as I should have been when you told me about your dad.

• I'm sorry I made it so awkward between us. It was my first time.

• I'm sorry I got lost in my own life and completely walked out of yours.
• I'm sorry I still keep doing it.
• I'm sorry I don't still help you.

• I'm sorry I didn't try harder.
• I'm sorry I let you leave/walk out of my life.
• I'm sorry I don't stop you from telling me who to be.

• I'm sorry you hated me - based on the circumstances, I kind of deserved it.
• I'm sorry I didn't care about us as much as you did.
• I'm sorry I don't speak up when you need to hear it.

• I'm sorry we're not as close as we used to be.
• I'm sorry if you don't feel like you belong with us.
• I'm sorry I don't tell you enough that I love you.

• I'm sorry I can't ease your pains.
• I'm sorry I don't trust on you like I could.

• I'm sorry if/when I disappoint you.
• I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be.
• I'm sorry if/when I still pretend to be that.

• I'm sorry I've kept so many secrets for you.
• I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.
• I'm sorry it took me so long to talk to you.

• I'm sorry my efforts weren't enough. I tried. I really did.
• I'm sorry it didn't work out between us.
• I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
• I'm sorry for the pain I put you through.
• I'm sorry I couldn't love you like you wanted me to.

• I'm sorry we don't talk as much. I still want it.
• I'm sorry for the times I've made you cry.
• I'm sorry for when I've been difficult.
• I'm sorry I don't appreciate you as much as you deserve.

• I'm sorry I get so mad at you sometimes - it's just pain.
• I'm sorry I just don't understand.
• I'm sorry for the stupid things I do because of that.
• I'm sorry I blame you.
• I'm sorry I don't want what you want me to.

• I'm sorry I don't love you. You don't deserve that.

Why You Didn't Get a Post in August

Dear Readers,

Yeah...sorry about that. BUT! There was a reason behind it - a reason that actually warrants an entire post. Hence this.

In the late summer of 2008, my freshman year of college, I made a decision to do something that would change my life. Not markedly, but to an extent that I'm still affected by it today. Probably about a year prior, I listened to an audio book by a popular LDS youth speaker, John Bytheway, called "Turn Off the TV and Get A Life!". To summarize, the book essentially talked about the effect that various types of media have on us, and how often we can overuse it to "tune out" to the things that are really important. Obviously, it took a spiritual stance on this position, but the concept itself coincided really well with my own beliefs and observations about technology and the effect it had on myself and the people around me (and mind you, people, as far as I remember, smartphones hadn't even been invented at this time, and Facebook was still pretty new). In the audio book, Bytheway makes a suggestion to "take a week off" from television, video games, etc. and simply enjoy the things that are really important. Because this was something I was committed to, and felt passionate about, I decided to take him up on this challenge - for a month.

Seriously. I decided that in the month of August, I wouldn't spend any time on Facebook or Blogspot, wouldn't watch any movies or TV shows, wouldn't play any video games, or involve myself any of their electronic relatives (with the exception of necessary phone usage and music - I gotta have my music).

And you know what? It was great! That's not to say it wasn't hard - it was. Honestly, it was more awkward than anything. For a month, I became "that kid" that friends and family alike complained about: that I couldn't watch the newest movie; that I wouldn't ever talk to them on Facebook; that I seemed so out of touch with what was going on in the world; etc, etc.. That was kind of uncomfortable. But I realized at the same time how many things I'd missed out on simply because I had my attention so focused on all this "stuff" - like being able to have deep conversations with friends or being able to notice when they need a little pick-me-up. I grew to realize how amazing and beautiful the nature around me was (and I wasn't even in Logan back then). I caught myself thinking more creatively, imagining things that were completely original, rather than being concerned about missing something someone had posted, the latest YouTube video, or what an incredible plot "The Dark Knight" had. I felt like I was more myself instead of a product of what I consumed

This year was the 7th year (even though I don't know if I can count the two years I was on a mission) I've held myself to this challenge. I've made edits, additions and exceptions (like friends' birthdays) to my rule.Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, Imgur, Smartphones, Snapchat, Instagram, Tumblr, Vines, Netflix, Spotify, Buzzfeed, Reddit, and I don't know how many other programs have gained notoriety that I had to account for. If you don't believe me, just look at the magnitude of all the sites I just tagged. Add this this to the fact that people's immersion in these programs seems to increase at the same rate society pumps 'em out, well - let's just say that August has an ever-increasing potential to be a very isolated month for me.

But I keep doing it after seven years. Why?

Well, not to bash on the people that really love their technology, but if I had been so immersed, I may not have been able to fully enjoy (and I mean really enjoy) this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Now, I'm not saying you have to do the same thing I did - it's a choice I decided to make, and I'll give you the same luxury. And I'm not saying that I'm completely against technology, either - I wouldn't do this more than a month a year. It is important to live and involve yourself in the reality that is society. It's another to be a product of it. It makes me think of an article I read in my junior year from Newsweek talking about the potential dangers of technology. But in the end, it's a decision I opted to make that's changed my life - so at least think about it, okay?

The Complexities of Conflagration

Last year, I was talking with a professor about the challenge of college - especially in the context of tutoring students who've just arrived at college. With each class assigning their own sets of reading, assignments, and tests for which to prepare, it can be difficult to manage what seems to be like a barrage of tasks that all seem to beg for attention at the same time. Organizing time to meet the varying deadlines can seem like an insurmountable task, especially when someone is a freshman who's not used to the sometimes rigorous schedule that college demands. I imagine the transition from an undergraduate degree to a graduate degree to be similar (and one that I feel I'm approaching all too soon). With so many things to do, it's easy to get in a rut and simply tackle what seems to be the most pressing issue. The phrase the professor used to describe all this was, "Sometimes it just feels like you're putting out the biggest fire first."

Personally, I don't feel like life is any different. In fact, if anything, life works on the same principle as my college example does, just on a much broader level - seeing as how life encompasses college/school (which is a series of fires in and of itself), as well as a number of other smaller branches (family, home, finance, etc.) that house their own series of fires - hence, conflagration.

That doesn't mean, however, that I'm drawing the conclusion that all of us are dealing with our own raging infernos. Just because each of these components of life has the possibility of creating its own series of fires doesn't mean it actually does. For example: kindergarten, roller coaster testing, and organizing a camping trip hardly warrant more than candles, if you ask me. ;)

The point I'm trying to make here is the fact that our situations differ throughout life, and depending on one's circumstances, the various components in our lives can combine to create a massive and unquenchable blaze. And as much as that conflagration can be terribly large in reality, its size is nothing when compared with its effect emotionally and psychologically. The way in which each of us tackles life is different, and each of us has a breaking point at which life's situations simply seem insurmountable - where the fire is so big we don't know where to start.

Part of the science behind conflagration is due to its size. When a fire is that large, there is an immense amount of heat that rises, and as a result, a large amount of cool air rushes in, giving the fire all the air it needs to sustain itself as long as fuel is available, and continue to grow on top of that. Somehow, life seems to be able to work the same way. Life's experiences can become so difficult and complex that it's all we can do to keep the fire at the same size - let alone make it smaller. And that's assuming we feel strong enough to be in a position to even hold it back.

During my life, and even more so in the past few years, I have seen people that face emotional and psychological conflagrations that are beyond measure. For example: dealing with racism, being gay, depression and suicidal thoughts, pornography, homelessness, divorce and loss of children, religious doubts, losing a loved one - and I know this is from a limited view of a 24-year old kid living in Utah, but from that limited experience, I can say that the psychological and emotional conflagrations these individuals face are no less threatening, damaging, or fearful as the various wildfires that have been ravaging the state over the last couple summers. And I don't say that lightly.

Life is hecka complex sometimes, I can say that from experience. But the biggest challenge, the scariest thing, the largest conflagration...is facing it alone. I know fires are scary. I know sometimes other people's fires can seem so scary or different that we don't even want to deal with them. We wouldn't know how to deal with them ourselves. I know we don't have all the answers. I know we don't know how to put out other people's fires. Heck, half the the time we don't even know how to put out our own fires!

I'm not asking for you to tackle other people's problems - you're not meant to. It's not your life. Everyone has to tackle their own fires. But it makes a world of difference for people with situations different than yours to feel understood and loved. So next time you meet someone with a different fire than you, don't panic. Seek to understand their flame, and love them for the candle they still hold inside themselves - and I believe both of you will walk away stronger.

I don't believe people should get points for doing - I believe they should get points for being.

America, the Beautiful?

A poem! I wrote this a while ago, but it's still a good one.

Is it late? Super late. Is it out of the season of the holiday? Yeah - but just enough that I can still squeeze it in. Happy 4th and 24th of July, everyone. And remember what it means to be an American. It's a priceless gift, and a treasure that we should stop and consider how grateful we are to have. And in thinking of this, remember those that don't have this blessing. 'Merica, y'all.

America, The Beautiful?

Michael Dressman

A battle scene,
A terrible war.
Does this seem familiar?
Has it happened before?
In the midst of the battle,
both sides losing ground;
At the same time, on each side,
a man is hit down.
One from America, the other Pakistan,
each one of them drafted to fight for their land.
The age of them both?
Roughly 17.
And to think they just wanted
to keep themselves clean.
In this 3rd World War
all alliances are gone.
It's free-for-all battle,
every soldier a pawn.

Night falls,
and the battle postpones for a while,
But all of the soldiers are lost in their bile.
From memories of partners, of real good pals,
who used to be there, but aren't there now.
The coughing and wheezing, it comes from all sides,
where down in this wasteland, most everyone dies.

Now during this evening both boys are in pain,
but each faintly hears each other as the night wanes.
By morning both of them sit back-to-back,
helping each other to get back on track.
They pretend to be dead with the battle begins,
knowing the fat that awaits them if seen.
Night falls again, yet neither side wins.
The boys, best friends they are now, each other's wounds they clean.
But the next morning a general spots them there,
before their remedy to escape this despair.
"Up boys, fight boys, over is the night!"
But they can't even stand, let alone join the fight.
As the general examines each boy closer,
he sees each a traitor and no act is grosser.

Night falls once more, this battle wears thin,
but neither of the boys hears news of this win.
Both of them lay in a great carcass pile,
brutally beaten and scarred, no trials.
Because of the kindness they showed today,
both were accused as traitors and lie dead in the fray.

War does strange things to men;
Sends them against their own brothers and friends.
In this God-given country, please let us say,
"This is America. Can we have peace today?"

Contemplate

Contemplate
Michael Dressman
It kinda starts like this:

Originate
Immaculate
Complicate
High stress rate
Infiltrate
Permeate
Can't relate
Agitate
Insinuate
Proliferate
Insinuate
Can't see straight
Anticipate
Obsfucate
Triplicate
Desperate

Isolate
Instigate
Separate
Exacerbate
Salivate
Take the bait
Inundate
Satiate
***
***

Sigh...

Implicate
Interrogate
Perpetuate
Incriminate
Depreciate
Invalidate
Desolate
Desecrate
Reprobate
Second-rate
Worthless, mate
Denigrate
Self-berate
Commiserate
Overrate
Underrate
Eliminate
Obliterate
Eviscerate
HATE

Rinse and repeat
(A couple hundred times)
For example:

Originate, Complicate, Immaculate, etc.
Isolate, Instigate, Separate, etc.
Implicate, Incriminate, Interrogate, etc.
WAIT!

Contemplate.
Meditate.
Prostrate.
Appreciate.
Educate.
Elevate.
Clean the slate.
Inoculate.
Exterminate.
Eradicate.
Consecrate.
Renovate.
Imitate.
Participate.
Cooperate.
Emulate.
Integrate.
Coordinate.
Emanate.
Innovate.
Up to fate.
Hope it's great.

And...

Smile.

It Was MY Mom

So, I know this a little late, but this is important. Like, really important.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum. I love you so much, and words can't describe how deep that goes. In a world where it's really hard to know who really loves you and who doesn't, it means a lot to know that you do - and I have never doubted your love. You have put in countless hours doing pretty much every sort of thing for me, and even if I spent the rest of my life working, I don't think it would come even close to paying you back for everything you've done, do, and will do for me. And I can say that with absolute certainty, without seeming selfish, because I know that's who you are - you love us, and you will always show that love in the best ways you can.

Ha. I can't even claim my personal stuff. I know that, as hard as my problems are, you probably worry about them just as much as I do - and that's a pretty incredible feat when you've still got four other kids to do that for, and to still have as much love to dole out as you do...well, it's nothing short of incredible. I know that some of my "baggage", as we'll put it, it something that a very large amount of mothers don't have to deal with, and there are even fewer instructions for it than the 0% you already have for motherhood - but you've handled beautifully, and that is a large part of what makes your love that much more poignant.

So Mum, the best way that I can really think to pay you back is this - listening. Life is really hard sometimes, and I don't have the answers (not by a long shot), but I do know that I've been taught good principles, and regardless of where life takes me or what choices I make, I want you to know that I'm going to do what I can (even though I may fail) to be a son that you'll be proud of - one that makes you happy. I can promise you, I won't be perfect, but I'm going to do what I can.

I love you, Mum.

Michael

And because it wouldn't be me if I didn't include it, here's Kid President's Muthah's Day to ya, and another honorable mention for a Mother's Day video.

Want to Change the World?

I like April. It's a pretty cool month. It's the month that I really associate with spring (even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes in Utah), the month that one of my awesome brothers has his birthday, the month that National Pretzel Day is on, etc. But there's something about this month that I think is special, and it's because I'm making it special.

It's a goal of mine to make each month of the year meaningful for me in a special way that allows me to really get in touch with a deeper part of myself: something that really makes me who I am. So far, I've got August down and maybe February. This year, I've found something that I'd like to start doing every April. You're probably heard of it before. It's called Paying it Forward.

The last Thursday in April (in this year's case, on April 24th) is Pay it Forward Day, based on the book and the film of the same name. In honor of my first Pay it Forward Day, I bought the book and read it earlier this month. It's great. Essentially, the idea is that you choose three people that you care about, and do something special for them. Something that they couldn't necessarily do for themselves. Then, instead of paying you back, you encourage those you help to "pay it forward" to three other people in turn, and the cycle continues.

One of the first criticisms that easily comes to mind is that of selfishness - that people won't actually pay it forward. It's so easy to say something, but it's another entirely to do it. The argument is valid - but should that stop us from trying? So what if it doesn't work?

And what if it does?

Can you imagine a world where people have spent so much time "paying people forward" that it just becomes a habit to help people wherever we go? Who wouldn't want a world like that?

"But life is so busy," you say, "And how am I supposed to find the energy to help someone else when I barely have enough energy to work on my own issues?" That's a valid point, too. Life's been pretty stressful for me lately, trust me. But sometimes, giving that last little bit of energy to someone we care about it the perfect way to get twice the energy back. And I believe that it doesn't take someone who knows all the answers to make a difference - it just takes someone who cares.

Still not convinced? Watch this TED video about why it's actually in our own best interest to help those around us.

Need ideas? Here are some I pulled from the site:

- At a drive through, pay for the car behind's meal.

- If it's raining give your umbrella to someone who does not have one.

- Tell the manager of of a restaurant how great your waiter/waitress was (or tell the person directly!).

- Give a homeless person lunch (and a genuine conversation).

- Drive an older person in the neighborhood to the grocery store.

- Be a mentor for someone who needs some support.

What are some things you can think of doing for Pay it Forward Day? Post them in the comments below!

Paying it Forward doesn't have to be done just on one day. Ideally, it's something that can be done every day. And it doesn't necessarily have to be done to specifically three people. Maybe one's all you can handle right now. Maybe you want to do more. That's great! The point is, no matter how big or how small, you're making a difference. So, this month, I encourage you to Pay it Forward. And you'll be surprised how fast Paying it Forward brings it back to you.

A Not-So-Fan Letter

Dear Sara,

I understand this may be just another fan letter from your point of view, and that's cool. I mean, I would obviously be really excited if you saw and/or responded to this, but that's not why I am writing this. I doubt I'm your biggest fan. I don't own any of your albums. I've never been to one of your shows. I wasn't obsessed with you before you became "big". Until a while ago, I didn't even like you on Facebook (I know, right?!)! So I'ma speak on grounds I have the basis to be on.

Thank you - for you powerful music and your inspirational lyrics. There are a number of your songs that help me in just the right moments when I need them. More than that, even, thank you for who you are. Granted, this is only what I've seen from your videos and heard from your music - but I'd like to think that still shows the real you (music especially). That means a lot - to me and other fans as well, I'm sure. In a world where most of the media isn't real, and superficiality is the only thing we ever see, it's wonderful to see someone so beautifully genuine. I mean duh, you're gorgeous, but it's a gorgeous on the outside and inside. Sure, the critics can say the same thing, but they're there to talk about you professionally - we can see the difference between real singers and real people. And from what I've seen, Sara Bareilles, you are both. From a world that seems really fake and tells the world that's the only way to live, thanks for giving me permission to be real.

Thanks for teaching me to be brave. Sometimes life just plain sucks, and I'm hurt, and I pretend to be okay. I'm one of those people - the kind that shells up and paints a smile on. It's a good reminder that I've got to be brave and speak up about myself sometimes, even if it's hard. And maybe this letter is a step in that direction, learning to show "how big [my] brave is." (See how cool I'm getting? I even quoted you. Snap.)

Thanks most of all for being you. From your videos, I know you were worried about everything coming out right in this new album - in a way that was very you. At least from what I feel, you nailed it. :) But really. And it motivates me to be me. All the blessed unrest that is me - whether it's hardcore fangirling in the line at Wendy's when a song of yours comes on the radio, feeling at home playing the piano, crying on my bedroom floor for hours because I just can't handle life that day, making stupid faces every time my Dad takes a family picture, or just enjoying me and all my crazy friends. And letting myself be okay with that - because I'm being me.

Since you said it better, I'll let you read the quote you found:

Thank you, Sara Bareilles. Thank you for being beautifully real. Thank you for being so publicly brave. Thank you for being so unabashedly you. And thanks for helping me do the same, in my own little awkward way.

Love,

One of the satellites

P.S. I thought about asking you to change the locks on your house like you did to Rashida Jones, but I thought that might be a little creepy - so I decided not to. :)

To see the fan post my brother did about OK GO - click here. But just know, it's not as good as mine. ;)

Hiatus

I know, I know. I didn't forget.

I did write a post for this month - really. For personal reasons, I'm not going to post it for the time being. Life has been pretty...vicissitudinal...lately. So it's not a word - it's the root that matters. Point is, I've been engaging life so much that I needed to take a little bit of a hiatus from blogging this month. I plan to have something for next month, but know that things are happening in this brain and life of mine.

The Best Birthday Present

For my birthday last year, a number of my closest friends from college and I went to see the film "Les Miserables", which I had not yet seen at that time. I thought the film itself was incredible, but part of what made that experience so memorable as a birthday present was just being able to have all of my closest friends around me and realize how much we all cared about each other mutually, and as I drank in all of the feelings of that moment, I realized the best birthday presents that I have received (and continue to receive) are experiences rather than objects, such as the one above.

That being said, there is one birthday present that I get every year that is partially an object, but very much of an experience. This present is actually one that I give to myself. In the article that I posted on Facebook a few days ago, it discusses the story of a twelve-year-old girl who had written a letter to herself, and it actually went viral when her parents posted it on Facebook when opening it after she unexpectedly passed away. I find this concept is brilliantly illustrated in the movie below from SoulPancake. For those who have not heard of SoulPancake, to put it briefly, it is an organization decided to helping people, "Be more awesome!"

Now, as much as I'd like to, there's not really a way that I can send letters from my current self back to the past (unless SoulPancake has some groundbreaking science secrets to tell us). However, I can write letters to myself in the future - and I do. Going on about three years now, it's become a birthday tradition for me to take some time on or around my birthday (and if nothing else, at least the month of January) to read the letter that I wrote to myself the year prior, and then sit down and write a letter to my future self. 

This has actually become a very beautiful personal, motivational, inspirational, and even spiritual experience, both in reading my past letters and writing future letters. I usually try to keep my letters to one to two pages, and it's interesting how much thought I end up putting into making sure that I convey the most important information to myself about what has happened over the past year and what advice my "future me" will need at his point in life. It becomes a reflection of the most important parts of the past year, as well as look forward into what advice or support I may need in the coming year(s), and in that sense, it becomes not only an object, but an experience as well - an experience of remembering everything I have, everything I've done, and everything I am.

Below I've included some of the gems that I've gotten from reading the letters from some of my "past selves", which, although they haven't necessarily been extremely profound in the entirety of the world's sphere, I've found they've somehow been just what I need when I open and read them. The dates that I've written next to the comments are the year in which the letter was written and the year that I would have first opened it, respectively.

(2011-2012)

• "I know that I can be whatever I tell myself I am - whether it be positive or negative."
• "I learned...that you don't have to be perfect to love or be loved by someone...that to be a teacher is to learn..."
• "...don't forget about your family, leaders, and friends who are there to help you - talk with them!"
• "Most important of all, remember I love you!"

(2012-2013)

• "...your true friends are those who love you for who you are...don't let them get away."
• "Rejoice in yourself - you may be very different...but...your difference is a good difference..."
• "Don't back down - when things get harder, that's even more of a sign that you have to step it up - and you can - and you will."
• "You have tremendous inner strength - more than you know..."
• "Michael, I love you."

(2013-2014)

• " Is today the best day of your life?"
• "Just stay with me."
• "...realize that you are not 'the only one'..."
• "Do you realize the power of your example?"
• "This isn't a prize to be won, it's a race to be run..."
• "Today is a great day - and tomorrow will only be better."
• "I love you."

There is one thing that always seems to be included in my letters, and I feel like it was included in all the letters people wrote to themselves in the video above. "I love you." In the long run, I have a really hard time loving myself, and generally, tend to just tolerate myself from day to day. Whether it's the world that tells us these messages or something inside of ourselves, I think all of us have a hard time really loving ourselves, to some extent. And that's something that we need to remind ourselves of more often. Part of what makes me really love these letters is that they remind me (both intellectually and emotionally) that I do love myself, and that's the best birthday present I could ever get.

So what will you do to remind "future you" to love himself/herself? I hope you think about that, because it's important, and if you'd like, feel free to comment below. I'd love to hear it!