My Daddy Dances

My dad's birthday was yesterday, and I've been meaning to write this post for a couple years now, but just haven't gotten around to it. I wrote a post for my mom a few years back, and knew I wanted to write one to my dad as well, but I really struggled in trying to find the best way to capture the feelings I have toward my father and the most appropriate homage to him.

I was introduced to this music video not shortly after that time, and I immediately knew the format I wanted to take.

This music video brings me to tears every time I watch it. Seriously. There is something represented here that resonates with a very particular piece of my heart. Initially, I don't think I saw anything here other than the unique dancing, but in looking up the translation of the lyrics, I've found multiple sources that delve into the meaning behind the song. It's been said that the lyrics and depiction behind the music video are representative of Stromae's loss of his father in the Rwandan Genocide, but it's also mentioned that his father also left his family to start a second family elsewhere, making his physical loss less of a tragedy than the initial abandonment.

I don't pretend to know all the nuances behind the art of this song and music video, but its depiction is soulful and moving for me because of how it makes me think of the development of my relationship with my father, and what it has evolved into.

Anyone who knows both me and my dad can say that we are completely different people. I take a passion in music and arts, and have a particular talent for both. Sports are definitely not my forté (as evidenced by my using a musical term to describe how bad I am at them), and I tend to be more hesitant to leave my comfort zone, but rather love to engage in deep conversations with those I love. By contrast, my dad's not really a talker, loves sports, and is always reaching out to learn new things. Even in conversations we have with each other, we joke that I got all my mom's genes except for the ones that make me look like him. Even now, I can almost guarantee that when my dad watches this music video, he will wonder (maybe even aloud), "What on earth am I watching right now?"

Growing up, my dad and I didn't really get along. That's not to say we fought - we didn't. I'm not a fighter. But I think he was somewhat disappointed in the oldest son he got, and I felt misunderstood and disconnected sometimes. That's not to say he didn't love me (because he absolutely did and does), we were just so different he didn't quite know how to connect when his passions and interests were next to nothing for me. If you'd asked me then, I would probably have told you I felt exactly like the child in this video.

I won't go into all the details, since they're personal and unnecessary to this narrative, but in the last five to six years or so, there's been a distinct change in my relationship with my dad. That's not to say that suddenly we're much more similar than we were - but there's a bridge where there used to be a wall.

I watch this video, and firstly I see the child I was, frustrated I had a father that was there and provided the instruction to grow, but didn't connect with me on my level. However, I cry because of what I see now. I see a dad that asks me about my interests, and takes a genuine interest in what I'm passionate about even if he's not. I see a dad that listens to showtunes because they remind him of me. I see a dad that will talk with me for hours, even if that's not something he does with anyone else. I see a dad who will sometimes just listen. And because he's still my dad, I see a dad who still makes cheesy jokes that make me groan. I see a dad who sends me books like every other month about something that has helped him grow or something that he believes will help me grow with things that affect me specifically. Sometimes they help. Sometimes they don't. But they show he cares.

I would be proud to grow up to be the kind of man my dad is. Because even though he does it different than I do, my daddy dances. And he dances with me.

Memories of March Madness

As many of you know, participated in March Madness for the first time this year. Results below.

All the sportsing!

So it's apparent that my March Madness chart doesn't look quite like yours. Why? (Because mine is better, obviously). Starting this year, because I don't actually care about March Madness at all, but wanted to get in on the fun, and because I decided I wanted to expand my music tastes, I figured there wasn't a better way to do it that make it a competition, with an actual prize - an album of the winner's choice! And scheduling it out over the month of March, if I listened to an album a day, eliminating one at the end of each two day period, I could fit in 16 albums. Small price to pay for sixteen albums I hadn't ever heard before (as that was one of the requirements).

By popular request of competitors and viewers alike, I have included the complete list of teams, players, and team managers below. After that, I've compiled my own list of honorable mentions during the month, which you really ought to look at if you want an idea of what some of these albums contain. Plus also it helps me convince myself that I'm actually as witty and clever as I pretend I am. Finally, I've put in some thoughts for how to improve next year, since this was crazy fun and I'm SO doing it next year. If you have any additional thoughts for improvement, comment below!

Teams:

"Kintsugi" - Death Cab for Cutie: JD Borg

"Smoke and Mirrors" - Imagine Dragons: Jessica Brower

"Illumination" - Jennifer Thomas: Nathan Merrill

"Carrie and Lowell" - Sufjan Stevens: Steven Asay

"Black Sands" - Bonobo: Richard Hale

"Charleston Butterfly" - Parov Stelar: Julia Dressman

"Live at the Quick" - Bela Flek and the Flektones: Jack Barton

"Aberdeen" - Phil Henry: Laura Higgins

"Dear Wormwood" - The Oh Hellos: Mandy Jepsen

"Twin Forks" - Twin Forks: Logan Jones

"Multiply" - Ed Sheeran: Greg Dressman

"We Are the Strike" - The Str!ke: Thomas Williams

"The Answers" - Blue October: Kaden Peacock

"No Name Face" - Lifehouse: Amber Simmons

"Fallen" - Evanescence: Daniel Heninger

"Ummagumma" - Pink Floyd: David Dressman

Honorable Mentions:

"Most Creative Genre Description I Made Up Myself" - Charleston Butterfly: Parov Stelar ("Dirty 20's Big Band")

"Most Musically Educational Album" - Live at the Quick: Bela Fleck and the Flecktones (like seriously, I'm pretty sure I heard instruments and musical techniques I didn't even know existed)

"Most Culturally Sensitive Album" - Black Sands: Bonobo

"Props for Choosing an Album Spotify had Already Recommended to Me" - Twin Forks: Twin Forks

"Cover I got Most Excited For" - Aberdeen: Phil Henry (Cover: Birdhouse in Your Soul)

"Best Song Name" - Ummagumma: Pink Floyd ("Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict" - surprisingly, I actually think this was my favorite in the album)

"Only Album I Cried In" - The Answers: Blue October

Finally, in looking back, there were a couple of things I'd like to change next year:

1. The way teams were entered into the tournament.

2. The way teams were paired up.

3. The way teams were judged.

The most obvious one is the fact that almost everything here was totally subjective based on only my opinions. I mean, I tried to look at things like versatility, depth and meaning of lyrics, "relatable-ness", creativity, etc., but that's all based just on my own perception. I've thought of including more of a panel in future years so it's not just me, but that's still subjective - just a wider range of subjective. Any thoughts? Or is there really a way to have it be judged that's not subjective and still enjoyable?

I paired up teams mostly by using the "related artists" feature on Spotify (or if no artists matched, I paired similar genres together), but I wish I had divided the four branches more into categories, so the second and third rounds matched just as well as the first rounds.

Finally, I've thought about creating a Google form of some kind next year, so that submissions can be anonymous until the end. As much as I didn't listen to the albums based on the people that chose them, it was impossible not to have that somewhere in the back of my mind. Any additional suggestions for how to submit teams? How to get the word out to a wider range of people? Any additional suggestions for how to make next year's March Madness better?

Bottom line is, though - I feel like it was a huge success. I had so much fun with it, and I hope you did, too. Also that's it. The end.

Apologies

I drafted this post back in February, but for whatever reason didn't feel like it was the right time to post it. I think it is now. I understand that it's not the most lighthearted of posts - but life doesn't always deal you the most lighthearted of times.

This post has a lot of apologies to a lot of different people, but the one thing I won't apologize for in this post is creating it. It's an honest expression of feelings, and I think every once in a while, those need to be shared - if only to get them out there. So thanks for listening - and don't worry, the next post should probably be a little more lighthearted.

• I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend to you that time you were crying in the hall.

• I'm sorry I haven't written you as much as I should.
• I'm sorry I wasn't as supportive as I should have been when you told me about your dad.

• I'm sorry I made it so awkward between us. It was my first time.

• I'm sorry I got lost in my own life and completely walked out of yours.
• I'm sorry I still keep doing it.
• I'm sorry I don't still help you.

• I'm sorry I didn't try harder.
• I'm sorry I let you leave/walk out of my life.
• I'm sorry I don't stop you from telling me who to be.

• I'm sorry you hated me - based on the circumstances, I kind of deserved it.
• I'm sorry I didn't care about us as much as you did.
• I'm sorry I don't speak up when you need to hear it.

• I'm sorry we're not as close as we used to be.
• I'm sorry if you don't feel like you belong with us.
• I'm sorry I don't tell you enough that I love you.

• I'm sorry I can't ease your pains.
• I'm sorry I don't trust on you like I could.

• I'm sorry if/when I disappoint you.
• I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be.
• I'm sorry if/when I still pretend to be that.

• I'm sorry I've kept so many secrets for you.
• I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.
• I'm sorry it took me so long to talk to you.

• I'm sorry my efforts weren't enough. I tried. I really did.
• I'm sorry it didn't work out between us.
• I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
• I'm sorry for the pain I put you through.
• I'm sorry I couldn't love you like you wanted me to.

• I'm sorry we don't talk as much. I still want it.
• I'm sorry for the times I've made you cry.
• I'm sorry for when I've been difficult.
• I'm sorry I don't appreciate you as much as you deserve.

• I'm sorry I get so mad at you sometimes - it's just pain.
• I'm sorry I just don't understand.
• I'm sorry for the stupid things I do because of that.
• I'm sorry I blame you.
• I'm sorry I don't want what you want me to.

• I'm sorry I don't love you. You don't deserve that.

Why You Didn't Get a Post in August

Dear Readers,

Yeah...sorry about that. BUT! There was a reason behind it - a reason that actually warrants an entire post. Hence this.

In the late summer of 2008, my freshman year of college, I made a decision to do something that would change my life. Not markedly, but to an extent that I'm still affected by it today. Probably about a year prior, I listened to an audio book by a popular LDS youth speaker, John Bytheway, called "Turn Off the TV and Get A Life!". To summarize, the book essentially talked about the effect that various types of media have on us, and how often we can overuse it to "tune out" to the things that are really important. Obviously, it took a spiritual stance on this position, but the concept itself coincided really well with my own beliefs and observations about technology and the effect it had on myself and the people around me (and mind you, people, as far as I remember, smartphones hadn't even been invented at this time, and Facebook was still pretty new). In the audio book, Bytheway makes a suggestion to "take a week off" from television, video games, etc. and simply enjoy the things that are really important. Because this was something I was committed to, and felt passionate about, I decided to take him up on this challenge - for a month.

Seriously. I decided that in the month of August, I wouldn't spend any time on Facebook or Blogspot, wouldn't watch any movies or TV shows, wouldn't play any video games, or involve myself any of their electronic relatives (with the exception of necessary phone usage and music - I gotta have my music).

And you know what? It was great! That's not to say it wasn't hard - it was. Honestly, it was more awkward than anything. For a month, I became "that kid" that friends and family alike complained about: that I couldn't watch the newest movie; that I wouldn't ever talk to them on Facebook; that I seemed so out of touch with what was going on in the world; etc, etc.. That was kind of uncomfortable. But I realized at the same time how many things I'd missed out on simply because I had my attention so focused on all this "stuff" - like being able to have deep conversations with friends or being able to notice when they need a little pick-me-up. I grew to realize how amazing and beautiful the nature around me was (and I wasn't even in Logan back then). I caught myself thinking more creatively, imagining things that were completely original, rather than being concerned about missing something someone had posted, the latest YouTube video, or what an incredible plot "The Dark Knight" had. I felt like I was more myself instead of a product of what I consumed

This year was the 7th year (even though I don't know if I can count the two years I was on a mission) I've held myself to this challenge. I've made edits, additions and exceptions (like friends' birthdays) to my rule.Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, Imgur, Smartphones, Snapchat, Instagram, Tumblr, Vines, Netflix, Spotify, Buzzfeed, Reddit, and I don't know how many other programs have gained notoriety that I had to account for. If you don't believe me, just look at the magnitude of all the sites I just tagged. Add this this to the fact that people's immersion in these programs seems to increase at the same rate society pumps 'em out, well - let's just say that August has an ever-increasing potential to be a very isolated month for me.

But I keep doing it after seven years. Why?

Well, not to bash on the people that really love their technology, but if I had been so immersed, I may not have been able to fully enjoy (and I mean really enjoy) this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Now, I'm not saying you have to do the same thing I did - it's a choice I decided to make, and I'll give you the same luxury. And I'm not saying that I'm completely against technology, either - I wouldn't do this more than a month a year. It is important to live and involve yourself in the reality that is society. It's another to be a product of it. It makes me think of an article I read in my junior year from Newsweek talking about the potential dangers of technology. But in the end, it's a decision I opted to make that's changed my life - so at least think about it, okay?

The Complexities of Conflagration

Last year, I was talking with a professor about the challenge of college - especially in the context of tutoring students who've just arrived at college. With each class assigning their own sets of reading, assignments, and tests for which to prepare, it can be difficult to manage what seems to be like a barrage of tasks that all seem to beg for attention at the same time. Organizing time to meet the varying deadlines can seem like an insurmountable task, especially when someone is a freshman who's not used to the sometimes rigorous schedule that college demands. I imagine the transition from an undergraduate degree to a graduate degree to be similar (and one that I feel I'm approaching all too soon). With so many things to do, it's easy to get in a rut and simply tackle what seems to be the most pressing issue. The phrase the professor used to describe all this was, "Sometimes it just feels like you're putting out the biggest fire first."

Personally, I don't feel like life is any different. In fact, if anything, life works on the same principle as my college example does, just on a much broader level - seeing as how life encompasses college/school (which is a series of fires in and of itself), as well as a number of other smaller branches (family, home, finance, etc.) that house their own series of fires - hence, conflagration.

That doesn't mean, however, that I'm drawing the conclusion that all of us are dealing with our own raging infernos. Just because each of these components of life has the possibility of creating its own series of fires doesn't mean it actually does. For example: kindergarten, roller coaster testing, and organizing a camping trip hardly warrant more than candles, if you ask me. ;)

The point I'm trying to make here is the fact that our situations differ throughout life, and depending on one's circumstances, the various components in our lives can combine to create a massive and unquenchable blaze. And as much as that conflagration can be terribly large in reality, its size is nothing when compared with its effect emotionally and psychologically. The way in which each of us tackles life is different, and each of us has a breaking point at which life's situations simply seem insurmountable - where the fire is so big we don't know where to start.

Part of the science behind conflagration is due to its size. When a fire is that large, there is an immense amount of heat that rises, and as a result, a large amount of cool air rushes in, giving the fire all the air it needs to sustain itself as long as fuel is available, and continue to grow on top of that. Somehow, life seems to be able to work the same way. Life's experiences can become so difficult and complex that it's all we can do to keep the fire at the same size - let alone make it smaller. And that's assuming we feel strong enough to be in a position to even hold it back.

During my life, and even more so in the past few years, I have seen people that face emotional and psychological conflagrations that are beyond measure. For example: dealing with racism, being gay, depression and suicidal thoughts, pornography, homelessness, divorce and loss of children, religious doubts, losing a loved one - and I know this is from a limited view of a 24-year old kid living in Utah, but from that limited experience, I can say that the psychological and emotional conflagrations these individuals face are no less threatening, damaging, or fearful as the various wildfires that have been ravaging the state over the last couple summers. And I don't say that lightly.

Life is hecka complex sometimes, I can say that from experience. But the biggest challenge, the scariest thing, the largest conflagration...is facing it alone. I know fires are scary. I know sometimes other people's fires can seem so scary or different that we don't even want to deal with them. We wouldn't know how to deal with them ourselves. I know we don't have all the answers. I know we don't know how to put out other people's fires. Heck, half the the time we don't even know how to put out our own fires!

I'm not asking for you to tackle other people's problems - you're not meant to. It's not your life. Everyone has to tackle their own fires. But it makes a world of difference for people with situations different than yours to feel understood and loved. So next time you meet someone with a different fire than you, don't panic. Seek to understand their flame, and love them for the candle they still hold inside themselves - and I believe both of you will walk away stronger.

I don't believe people should get points for doing - I believe they should get points for being.