On Music

My life (or this blog) would never be just without a post on how wonderful music is. There are many things in life that fulfill us, and one that is at the top of my list is music. There are also many things that are so good in life that words don't describe them-music is also at the top of my list there. Suffice it to say that I love music with every fiber of my being, and I can't imagine life without it. If only I could put down in words the feelings I feel through music. Don't worry, though-this post is only the beginning of a continuation. Once I can find the right words, it's totally coming on here.

Walls

You know what are frustrating? Walls...especially that ones that people build up between relationships.

Do you know what's even harder? Walls that are built up on purpose-mutually-between a relationship. I guess in essence I'm just trying to deal with something that feels right and I feel like God wants me to do it-but my vision can't extend beyond today and how hard it is to have someone that once was a best friend seem so close and so far away at the same time. *Sigh*

Change of Belief

I guess I'm really bored this summer or something, but Julia's teaching me colorguard. I think I've always had a little bit more respect for colorguard than most people (even band geeks) have for them, but after trying to do the things I've only watched them do before, I realize it's a lot harder than it looks. I've never had blisters on my hands before, only on my feet-until now. In the last week I've had three blisters magically appear on my hand after throwing all of those tosses. Anyway, I guess the message of this post is just kind of a "don't judge a book by it's cover" post. Just because the experienced people make things look easy doesn't mean they are. In fact, it's usually the opposite, they've just practiced forever.

And just for the record (and also for Eva), I can now throw a double on the flag, and kind of almost throw a double on rifle. I can do a lot on flag, just not parallels. I'm still afraid of them from the last time they attacked me.

Neglect/Rudeness?

Perchance I'm a little overly sensitive. Scratch that. Undoubtedly I'm a little overly sensitive, but perchance I'm oversensitive to others' feelings. For example, when others get in trouble or get their feelings hurt, I almost always feel so bad for them, like it's me that was hurt. I guess, just like a girl in another blog I just read, I'm a "people pleaser". I can't really feel happy unless the ones I care about feel happy. But I also feel like I'm oversensitive about other things as well.

The other day, I was talking to one of my best friends. I was talking to him about how I needed to tell one of our mutual friends (though a better friend on his side than mine) something specific to only him. Yeah, refer to my "Click" post, even though I doubt that will help anything. He then went and talked to said friend, and apparently he thought we (meaning he and I) weren't friends anymore. Sad day! I'll admit, I didn't really talk to him much/ever, but I still personally felt like we were good friends, but it was solely based on one really excellent conversation that we'd had-about two years ago. Honestly, I haven't really talked to him much since then. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised with his opinion, but it makes me disappointed that I thought one way and he the other. Hopefully you understood all/any of that.

I think what makes it more saddening to me is that I don't want anyone to feel like I have "dis-friended" them, just because, again, in elementary school, I didn't have very many friends at all, I and I don't ever want anyone to feel like I'm ignoring them or am not their friend. So I guess, in short, this is a partial apology to that child, and anyone else out there who has ever felt I don't care about them, or even if you're just a normal friend. I promise it's not true. If you're my friend (ever), I'll always consider you my friend, no matter what happens between us. Just know that.

Belonging

I don't think there could be a more appropriate word for how I'm feeling right now. There's the longing part, which I have been feeling especially recently, and it's sort of a longing to be, partially to be with people, and partially to be able to be myself.

My job is okay, I guess. It gets me money and things, I just hate how much it seems to cut into my time. I'm sure it really isn't as much as I think it is, but when one has to get up at 6AM for work in the summer...well, that's not the first thing on my to-do list. I'd much rather spend time with friends and family, those I love. The only thing is, if I didn't have a job, I know that wouldn't happen. I'd just sit around the house all day wondering what to do...so maybe I'm glad I have a job, just because the amount of time I have decreased, so I have more initiative to get together with people when I can.

Wow...that had nothing at all to do with what I was going for. Oh, well. Essentially, what bugs me is the little differences that people when you are hanging out with them one-on-one versus when they are all in a group. It bugs me. Why can't people just act the same both ways? Also, I really wish that I could be in a really good friend group. I have plenty of friends, and many of them I would term best friends, but now, they all seem to have their own (not necessarily exclusive, but more...specific, if that makes sense) groups of friends that they get along really well with, and it seems like I don't have one of these myself. I'm probably just drawing too strong of connections between people I don't really know and minimizing connections with people I do, but I wouldn't be surprised if that came from my childhood. I don't remember ever having a friend group that I'd hang out with in elementary school. Usually I was alone. Maybe the combinations of these things is why one of my greatest fears is being completely alone.